As we have physical needs, we also have emotional needs and if they are not satisfied by our parents, we come up with very unhealthy conclusions about us, others and life in general. In our mind they take the form of central beliefs or cognitive schemas (Early Maladaptive Schema, EMS, Young, 1990) which will influence the relationship with other people; they contain images, information from the past, bodily sensations and emotions. When somebody behaves inappropriately toward us or is our perception that he did, schemas get triggered and they are followed by intense feelings like pain, shame, fear or anger (J. Young, 1990). Schemas become quite stable around 4-5 years old and if left untreated, in time they become stronger, they will constitute in our personality traits affecting in a negative way the relationships with others causing suffering. The more powerful they are, the more intense psychological problems are.  Once they are formed are very resistant to change because a characteristic of our mind is „cognitive constancy” which helps us to maintain a stable view of ourselves and the world we live in even if it’s a distorted one (Young, Klosko & Weishaar, 2003). Schemas were first described by Jeffrey Young and his colleagues (1990) who also developed “schema therapy” an integrative therapy that significantly expands on traditional cognitive-behavioral treatment and contains elements from attachment, Gestalt, constructivism and psychoanalytic schools(https://schematherapysociety.org). Bellow you can find a brief description of them:

1. Abandonment Schema: the fear that something bad like death, sickness, accident will happen to you or to the ones close to you and you will be separated from each other.
   
2. Defectiveness/Shame Schema: the feeling that there’s something wrong with you, you are lacking something, you are not like others; you think others will see that and won’t like you or love you the same.
   
3. Emotional Deprivation Schema: the feeling that other people don’t understand you, that they are unfair toward you so you end up feeling lonely; you have a deep belief that in this life you won’t meet people who can give you what you really need.
   
4. Mistrust/Abuse Schema: you think that people are bad and they want to hurt you on purpose or to use you so you don’t trust them, you keep a safe distance and you set up tests for them in order to prove that.
   
5. Insufficient Limits and Entitlement Schema: you want only to do whatever you want, whenever you want and if it is not possible you become angry; you have a low frustration tolerance if things don’t happen immediately or if you have to make an effort.
   
6. Dependency Schema: you feel that you need other people’s help in order to do something or to succeed; you dont think that you can do things on your own.
   
7. Failure Schema:other people did not expect much of you so you don’t either; you think that you don’t have what it takes to succeed on a professional level, that you are a failure.
    
8. Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self Schema:one of the parents was very intrusive and made you believe that you have to tell everything to each other, to do everything together, to have the same opinions like you are one person and you were unable to develop your own identity.
   
9. Subjugation Schema:the feeling that you don’t have a choice but to give in to other person’s demands because you feel guilty, you are afraid they will get angry, or you think they will leave you.
   
10. Self-Sacrifice Schema: you feel guilty and selfish every time you want to do something for you so you sacrifice your own needs in order to satisfy other people’s needs. You believe that what you say and do causes suffering to others, that their need is more important than yours and this means to be a good person. You have an exaggerated feeling of responsibility toward others.
    
11. Unrelanting Standards Schema: a constant feeling that you are not good enough, that you can do better than that, never satisfied of what you do; you are very afraid of making mistakes and feel a constant pressure and guilt inside of you (e.g. You didn’t do that…, you should do that).
    
12. Approval Seeking/Recognition Seeking Schema: you are only interested in what other people think about you, you do things in order to gain their approval and admiration in spite of what you really need.
    
13. Punitiviness Schema:the feeling that you and others are bad and you deserve to be harshly punished for that; you don’t show empathy and understanding toward your own mistakes or other’s people mistakes. You tend to behave in a cruel, insensitive way.
    

Depending on the characteristic of the environment we grow up in we have these schemas in different intensity and we cope with them in specific ways. But what is important to remember is that with each generation we can reduce the burden on their intensity leaving our children a better mental health legacy. What are you willing to do for your child?